When days of celebration take intentional effort, it’s the gradual shift of focus that can make the difference between disappointment and contentment.
Mother’s Day is intended to be a day of celebration, but all too often it can be filled with regret, grief, or disappointment for a variety of reasons. I know this all to well because this is my second Mother’s Day without my mom. She died unexpectedly and entirely too young, but this isn’t a blog about that. This is a post about what we do next.
Last year I celebrated a “non-Mother’s Day”. My family readily and willingly participated in activities of my choosing without making a big deal about it being a special day. We intentionally avoided the grief by taking the focus off the day for mothers and shifting it to a focus on simply serving me. I have to admit it was a wonderful day and perhaps one of the best Mother’s Days ever because it didn’t carry some of the expectations of a regular Mother’s Day. It was a non-Mother’s Day!
Unfortunately this is not a sustainable approach to this Hallmark holiday, because motherhood whether it be biological, spiritual, or otherwise expressed deserves to be celebrated. Not to mention I would do more damage to myself and my own children if I failed to address the grief that wells up on this day as I remember my own mother.
So the question remains, how can we be intentional on this day in celebrating the joy of our own motherhood under the grief of our daughterhood?
I’m only on year two of this journey, so I’m no expert but I have a few ideas. If we can’t avoid the holiday, bury the grief, or wallow in self pity (which I wouldn’t want to do, anyway), then maybe I can take some intentional steps to shift my focus.
It’s important to remember the past. I can spend time on Mother’s Day sharing memories with my loved ones about my mom. Remembering laughter, hugs, and holidays shared, I can thank God for the lessons she taught me about hospitality, faith, and perseverance. I can wear her peach sweater even though it’s too big for me and her high school spoon bracelet, because they help me feel close to her on a day where I long to give her a hug. I can honor her memory and remember the past with joy.
But here’s where the intentionality takes a bit more effort. As important as it is to remember the past, I also most chose in each moment to embrace the present. As a mother myself, I am blessed with the gift of children who love me and want to show that love by celebrating me today. My mother would not want me to steal from them that opportunity and nor would I. So I can chose to smile graciously when they bring me breakfast in bed. I can listen to music, sing loudly, and have a dance party to celebrate the beauty of a large, loving family. I can chose to give my children the gift of milkshakes and an afternoon of playing in the sun, because without them I wouldn’t be a mother and know the joy that comes from watching them laugh and grow. Do I still miss my own mother? Absolutely! But I can shift my focus to my own gift of motherhood and love the ones God gave me the way my mother taught me to. It doesn’t take away the grief, but it does allow me to embrace the joy of the present.
Finally, by embracing today’s moments I am sowing seeds for the future. My children are watching me. I want them to remember their grandmother, my mother, with fondness. I want to model what it means to live intentionally and focus eternally. I know I will see my mother again in Heaven, and until then it is my job to pour out my love to the ones God gave me. It’s important for the tears to fall, the stories to be told, and the grief to be acknowledged, but it is also important that my children don’t see me stay there. They need to see me choosing joy even in my own pain. They need my love, attention, and presence today while I have them to hold. They need to know that some days in their life will be hard, and one day I won’t be here to hold them close. Even still, they can have hope. They can choose joy, because I showed them how.
